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"I didn't 100% choose either... to be childless or single. But most of the time I made contraceptive & standards mandatory. My definition of choosing to be single is to be selfish with my selflessness."
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To Be Or Not To Be ... Selfish
To be selfless is honorable. To be selfish with your practice of selflessness is much deeper. Most people, in my opinion, don't take accountability for "not" being selfish when they need to. They should admit that they don't take enough "Me Time" and then immediately start planning. Most conversations in today's society are centered around self care and mental awareness. I would like to add more depth to the conversation. Let's talk about rationing out your ability to assist others. Let's talk about helping others until it becomes a hindrance on your mental health. And hunny, by the end of this blog you'll understand why I'm still single and childless.
Buckle your seat belt because you're in for a ride! Release any traditional thoughts on marriage and having children that you've endoctrined. Take a few minutes to make a "judgement" free zone in your brain for the small amount of time it takes to read this blog. Grab a venti Iced Matcha and Chai Tea latte with oatmilk, light ice and vanilla sweet cold foam and a banana nut loaf from Starbucks because that's how detailed we're about to get. Put on the Smooth Jazz Pandora radio station, skip through a few songs until you find one with a saxophone, and play it at a volume 7 or 11. Make sure you're in your most comfortable onesie, with fur slides, a silk head scarf, and migrate to your favorite chair in the building next to the window where the sun is shining in just enough to not make you sweat while you're in your favorite location.
Now, just for a moment think about how much of a happy place this is for someone. To intricately describe a place with such bliss, sunshine, and comfort would mean that someone has had to have experienced this moment. And, yes, it's me. There had been times where I would wake up and not know what day it was because I was existing and not living. I was working three jobs and going to Hillsborough Community College at night. I worked on an ongoing assignment for a staffing agency where I assisted with mock trials. I was also a Trade and Contract Analyst for a foodservice broker. The third job was Official BossQueens where my initial services were setting up websites and creating resumes in my spare time. At night, Monday through Friday, I would take courses to become a medical biller/coder.
My schedule was beyond chaotic. I didn't make nearly enough money to cover my bills even with three jobs and I had never been on a REAL vacation by myself or with a group of friends. Periodically, I would go to happy hour with coworkers and to clubs with my boyfriend but it was never RELAXING or comfortable. Anytime I drink I'm instantly ready to sleep and at this time I was young, so that was surprising. Going to the club seemed pointless once I was in a relationship because my purpose was to go to meet guys. So unless we were celebrating a win (birthdays, job promotions, or life changing events) it was like pulling teeth to go. I didn't want to dress up and wear heels that hurt my feet for the three hours we would stand and dance in the club.
At the time, I had never gotten a massage, a facial, or done anything related to the spa. The thought never crossed my mind to light a vanilla bean candle from Bath and Body Works and play spa music while I meditated. These thoughts, practices, vibes, and experiences didn't arrive until I became single in 2014. I had lost everything except my mind and I would've lost that too had it not been attached to the inside of my skull. My ex-boyfriend and I had finally mutually agreed to part ways. This meant I lost my step-son whom I'd helped raise for 6 and a half years. My Fraud Investigation job had let me go because I didn't meet my goals and my lease was up so I had no place to stay or any income so I was forced to move back to my hometown. 4 hours away from the place I had known as home for the last 8 years. I was forced to do a hard reset for 60 days.
In 60 days I had concocted a plan to move back to Tampa, Florida. I was receiving financial aid and unemployment. I found a decent job and I was back in Tampa Bay in my own space with no children. Up until this point I had always used contraceptive so I had never had an abortion, miscarriage or even almost got pregnant. This was one of the first life changing events that I thought about because I missed my step son. I thought about how hard it could have been had he been my biological child. At that moment of being single on a reset I realized that I didn't want to bring a child in this world that I would possibly have to struggle to raise. I had no real job yet and could barely feed myself. But I had my freedom and sanity.
From there I decided to curate a space I loved to be in and get used to being alone. This meant trying new things because apparently the old ones weren't working. I tried new foods, going out to different environments, took trips, and made different friends. I learned more about spirituality, hobbies, read more books, started losing weight, and listening to more diverse music genres. Eventually, I started tapping in to things that made me relax because of course being a single person meant sleeping alone and I would stay up for hours watching romance movies or eating sweets to comfort me from being lonely.
After being single for 8 years I took a meticulous amount of time to learn who I am, what I like, what I don't like, and my purpose for still existing. Yes, that's right. My purpose for existing because I had nothing going on in my life. There were times where I didn't understand why I mattered and what my purpose was for still being alive. I had no family of my own (a husband or children). No career. I wasn't successful or wealthy in any way. I had a handful of friends and I stayed home alot due to my circumstances. There were times when I didn't want to be around people. I didn't want to date because I had nothing to bring to the table. So I thought to myself many times about needing to find a purpose to live or I felt I was going to resent being alive and become a bitter, angry black woman. A statistic. A black female with no male protection or love. A black, elderly woman with several pets for comfort living alone. I hated all the men and women who had unloved me, used me, abused my trust, and took my sexual experiences to leave me with useless soul ties. I ate until I gained a tummy as flabby as a man that had never missed a night and a drink at the bar in 5 years. I felt like I lived in a world where everything was moving except me. I felt like the cars, the seasons, and time was passing by me. My friends were getting married, having babies, and buying houses. But I was still trying to figure out why I kept getting ghosted after dates. What bill I wasn't going to pay to give me time to pay for another bill. I was still trying to figure out how I was going to stuff my belly into a waist shaper and attempt to have a little self confidence at the next wedding. I was still trying to figure out what type of relationship I wanted. I was still trying to figure out where my next check was coming from. Hell! I needed a job. I wasn't the least worried about a significant other.
8 Years of Purpose
I. NEEDED. PURPOSE. There was no way I could have survived the last 8 years, which included the pandemic, without a purpose and being so driven by finding that purpose. Finding my purpose prior to 2019 allowed me to live through my anxiety attacks during the pandemic in 2020. I had found my purpose of empowering other women through assisting them with starting a business, website, or searching for a better career in 2016. So I focused more on that. Being selfless in moments where I felt unworthy of living helped me inside and out. If I had children during that time in my life I don't believe I would've had time to find myself, tap into a daily spiritual journey, or find a decent job. If I had been in a relationship during this time I don't believe I would've been able to groom myself to become the thoughtful, spiritual, wise and humble person I am today.
I needed the last 8 years of solitude to understand where I was supposed to go and what I was supposed to do. I needed the last 8 years to meet the people I've met, to experience the situations I've experienced. To rekindle the love I had lost for myself and the purpose I had left my hometown for. I wanted to break the family tradition of just being a worker. I wanted to own something that made a difference for black culture. I wanted to be wealthy in knowledge and successful at creating generational wealth. I wanted to meet very important people behind the scenes and become the best of friends. I wanted to explore the world including how great the mother land was supposed to be for myself because I resented Africa for years when I didn't know my history. I wanted to live so impactfully it made ME so proud that I questioned myself on if this was real life.
I Know Me, Myself, & I
As you can see, I didn't 100% choose either... to be childless or single. But most of the time I made contraceptive and standards mandatory. My definition of choosing to be single is to be selfish with my selflessness. I learned that I wasn't head over heels about marriage. I realized that I'd rather find my best friend to become my soulmate and then live next door to them. After years of hearing stories about children needing homes I grew a love for wanting to adopt or foster children. I learned quickly that I so anxiously wanted to be a fun, young, rich, and cool Auntie!
I wanted to be able to vacation when I wanted to. I wanted to work remote or for myself. I wanted to own or invest in all the places I loved to shop. I wanted to heavily support black-owned businesses. I wanted to learn more about my heritage. I want, until this day, to take an African ancestry test and to visit the country in Africa where people lived with the same DNA that runs through my veins. I want to experience caviar and to taste some of the finest wines and then return to a South Beach high rise, luxury condo in Miami, Florida. I love being bisexual. I love to dine alone at restaurants. I love to go to the nail salon to get long, coffin shaped nails with random designs. I love brunches with my friends. I love intellectual conversations with other people. I love trying new Starbucks drinks. I love trying to cook new vegan dishes. I love building successful resumes. I love mini photoshoots. I love sports cars. I love going to the book store. I love waking up on a Sunday morning, turning on my Good Morning with Curly Nikki guided meditation podcast, making breakfast and coffee, lighting a candle, turning on smooth jazz and reading a few chapters of a best-selling book. If I hadn't taken the time to get to know myself who knows where I'd be...but I definitely wouldn't have known ME!
Choosing to be selfish for 8 years and learn to ration out my selflessness was a characteristic I had to perfect for my own mental health. I didn't want a child or a significant other to experience the dark places I had gone. I had to learn how to let go of those whose puzzle piece was not apart of my masterpiece. I had to do the work on myself.
Who else can say they know this much about themselves? Not many. If you don't know this much about yourself it's your time to start doing the work on you. Plan some self care time. You deserve it! Hope this paradigm was as enlightening for you as it was for me to write. Even if it inspires only 1 other soul my goal is accomplished. Until next time boss... Stay safe & stay sane!
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